Gerascophobia.

Let’s face it; adulthood sucks.

I don’t know how most people can cope with all the shit things happen in their lives once they turn twenty something. But for me, it’s getting hard. Graduating high school, going to college, getting a higher education and title, finding a job, making money, getting married, having kids, getting old, and then bam, you die. What an odd kind of way to live life, right? The same old boring routine, same old boring life path.

And it’s true, I have my own insecurities about life. And we all need to fight back those insecurities even though they somehow could scare us in one phase of life. And in this case, growing up scares me.

I don’t know why, but growing up somehow makes me scared because all the problems I’m gonna cope soon is gonna be a lot. And it scares the hell out of me to picture myself getting my college degree one day but end up working in something I don’t love in life. What if I end up being an accountant instead of that girl changing people’s perspectives of our beloved earth? What if I end up getting married and being told by my husband that I should quit my job? What if I end up not knowing if what I’m doing with my life is really something I want? What if, just what if, one day around fifty, I’m gonna be there sitting my bench regretting this whole life I’ve been living? True, it’s scary. And true, we gotta need a lot of positive stuff to take in from friends and such.

And tonight, I’m just gonna go straight to my point and thank one of those beloved friends of mine who amazingly succeed to remind me that life is something we gotta live and that dream is something we gotta reach and that adulthood is nothing as scary as it seems.

So yes, here’s to those who’ve been scared of growing up.

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Tackling Gerascophobia (Intense Fear of Adulthood)

This is something I intended to write for a close friend of mine, who fears adulthood. @tata

Don't we all do, in our own ways?

It's because human beings tend to adhere to simplicity. I am not saying that teenagehood is easy- it is very tough for some (including me myself), but adulthood is on another whole level, even more complex, as if hundreds of tangled webs.

We all love the ignorance of youth, the vagueness of teenage dreams. The innocence of "kids" our age, laughing at jokes that leave adults with a big, red question mark clouding over their heads. Wanting to be a doctor just because it is cool and it assures prosperous life, without knowing all the dangers and responsibilities that come along with the profession.

We can't fathom ever shifting from a stage we've held dear all this time, and fears of reaching adulthood - more often that not- come to haunt us.

Adults work, pay for their own expenses, buy their own dwellings, and for those who choose to have a family, nurture their children until they're old enough to take care of themselves. They don't sound really attractive, indeed, especially if you've ever sat down and looked through your parents' dulled eyes; eyes that have witnessed the ugliness of adult responsibilities for many years.

But come to think of it, is there anything we can do about it? Growing old is inevitable, unless death comes across your path earlier. Locking yourself in your bedroom and repetitively moaning about it won't freeze time. It won't prolong your age, either. If anything, it wastes your time that can be used to cherish the remainder of your precious teenagehood.

We will all eventually face adulthood. And instead of excessively fearing it, why don't we start appreciating how wonderful it will be, having your future in the grip of your very own hands?

For instance, you're a student majoring in law at X University now. The fog that has always covered the path you're going to walk down has now lifted. You're on the verge of leaving teenagehood, hundreds closers to what we call 'goals', instead of mere hopes and dreams.You don't hesitate to write them down and publicize your goal anymore. "Future Lawyer", it looks so nice on your status and the wall of your room since no one sees it as unimaginable thing anymore. They will start to recognize you, and your voices will be heard louder; things that were scarce during your teenagehood.

And lastly, as the sayings go, everything comes with a price. We have to work even harder to achieve our goals, for adulthood will be our chance to shine even brighter than ever.

P.S: We can still eat Fruit Loops and watch Harry Potter at the age of 20++, right? ;)

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Idektatablake production ® July 2016.

For those who lost in the fear of adulthood, I hope you look up one more time to those goals you have and how much step you’ve taken to reach them, And with that, I hope you remember how beautiful this life to waste for being scared. x

Adelaide Sky.

Jalan-jalan kota Adelaide mulai dipadati manusia hari itu. Banyak dari mereka yang ingin datang dan berkunjung ke WOMAdelaide, salah satu pagelaran musik, seni, dan budaya terbesar di dunia yang diadakan setiap tahunnya di Adelaide. Botanic Park of Adelaide, yang berada tepat di jantung kota, tak kalah ramainya dengan sudut-sudut jalan kota lainnya. Langit Kota Adelaide yang sepagian tadi masih begitu cerah membiru entah mengapa kini berubah kelabu. Banyak pasak-pasak tenda didirikan demi menahan hujan yang mungkin akan segera tiba mengguyur.

Karena tengah menunggu malam tiba untuk menonton acara musik yang akan diisi oleh berbagai musisi, aku memilih untuk bersantai di sebuah kedai di persimpangan Rundle St. yang jaraknya tak jauh dari Botanic Park tempat dimana festival musik akan berlangsung. Sepagian aku datang dan terduduk gelisah, berharap cemas tentang kemungkinan aku akan menemukannya atau tidak di tempat ini. Aku sendiri sebenarnya tak tau apa yang tengah aku lakukan di tempat ini, jauh dari rumah, jauh dari sahabat, jauh dari zona amanku.

Namun saat tau dirinya akan berada di panggung pagelaran musik WOMAdelaide, aku segera membeli tiket penerbangan tercepat dari Melbourne. Dan di sinilah diriku hari ini, berpikir tentang kemungkinan apakah benar ia dan kawan-kawannya akan mengisi acara atau tidak. Telepon genggam yang sepagian berdering karena teman-temanku yang khawatir itupun akhirnya berhenti juga karena baterai yang mulai melemah. Alhasil, aku hanya bisa puas dengan secangkir kopi hitam plain kesukaanku, sebuah jurnal yang biasa menemani hari-hariku menulis, serta beberapa puluh dollar dalam tas Deuter tua yang kerapkali menemani perjalanan tak terdugaku menuju antah berantah.

See you one day, Nya. Mungkin saat gitar tua ini udah bisa buktiin kalo gue pantes buat elo. One day.

Tiga kalimat. Lima belas kata. Tujuh puluh satu karakter. Satu pesan singkat yang tak pernah aku lupa isinya sejak lima tahun lalu, sejak keberangkatanku ke Melbourne untuk pertama kalinya, sejak kali terakhir aku menginjakkan kaki di kota yang membesarkan dan mempertemukanku dengan dirinya, sejak entah sudah berapa lama kali terakhir aku mendengar kabar tentangnya. Oh, kabar mengenainya memang kudapat beberapa waktu lalu, dari seorang sahabat lama di Jakarta yang kembali mengirimiku surel sejak entah kapan terakhir kalinya. Ia bilang, sosok itu telah menjelma menjadi seorang musisi dalam negeri yang dielu-elukan para remaja karena ketampanannya. Katanya, sosoknya telah berubah menjadi musisi bertalenta yang tak pernah habis ide akan musik-musik cemerlangnya. Katanya, sosok itu telah lama digosipkan menyendiri karena tengah menunggu seseorang kembali. Namun dari semua "katanya", apa itu mengusik pikiranku?

Tentu saja.

Present, Future, and Happily Ever After.

As a very dreamy girl, aku selalu menginginkan konsep cinta sejati dalam hidup ini. Sebut aku ini klise, karena memang beginilah diriku adanya. Sejak kecil, aku selalu membayangkan menikahi seorang pria yang kucintai dan akan tetap kucintai hingga akhir hayatku. I dream walking down the aisle with him there waiting for me on the altar. Aku membayangkan hidup di kota besar metropolis seperti New York, tinggal di sebuah apartemen mewah bersama suami dan sepasang anak kembar, memiliki pekerjaan sebagai columnist untuk majalah The New Yorker, dan hidup bahagia selamanya. Terdengar klise bukan? Mungkin memang kehidupan idamanku itu terdengar klise, namun aku sendiri tidak dapat memungkiri betapa sempurnanya kehidupan ini jika aku memiliki hidup seperti apa yang sejak dulu kudambakan.

Faktanya, sejak aku kecil, aku sendiri selalu mengira-ngira siapa laki-laki yang akan menjadi suamiku, jodohku, ayah dari anak-anak yang kumiliki kelak. Apakah ia adalah seorang teman lama? Apakah ia adalah lelaki yang kutabrak saat dijalan? Apakah ia adalah seseorang yang akan menjadi partner kerjaku kelak? Ataukah ia adalah teman dekatku sendiri? Faktanya, aku tidak akan pernah tau. Dan itulah hal yang selalu membuatku penasaran.

Dulu, whenever I had a crush on someone, aku akan membayangkan hidupku dengan skenario dimana aku akan menikahi mereka, memiliki anak-anak yang lucu, hidup bahagia layaknya fairy tales. Namun seraya aku bertambah usia, aku mengerti bahwa kehidupan ini bukanlah fairy tales, yang mana aku dapat hidup bahagia selamanya seperti dongeng-dongen sebelum tidur yang sering kudengar dulu. Jadi, saat aku mulai menyadari fakta itu, aku mulai berhenti berharap. Aku mulai berhenti mengharapkan sebuah kehidupan layaknya dongeng-dongeng penghantar tidur. Aku mulai berhenti mengharapkan sebuah sebuah konsep ‘and they happily ever after’ dalam hidupku.

Namun disanalah ia berdiri.

Di tengah kerumunan orang banyak dengan wajah yang dapat dengan mudah aku kenali diantara wajah-wajah asing itu, ia menonton pertunjukkanku malam itu dari kejauhan. As if he transferred his energy to me, I got my whole self esteem back and I smiled and that was enough. Pagi itu, aku berharap ia dapat datang namun ia memiliki keperluan lebih mendesak yang tak dapat ia lewatkan. Jadi aku mengerti. Namun malam itu, ia ada di tengah kerumunan orang banyak, dengan wajah lelah itu seakan mengatakan ia ingin aku lebih bersemangat.

Maybe a lot of you don’t know who the hell I’m talking about, yang mana tak akan kusebutkan siapa orangnya pula. Namun tepat pada saat itu, aku mulai bisa merasakan harapan yang lebih. Aku dapat merasakan kehidupan layaknya fairy tales saat aku melihat ke dalam mata cokelatnya itu. I know this is such a rush to talk about future, but hell, I see my future in him.

Aku tau, walau pada akhirnya aku akan menyesali apa yang kutulis saat ini, yang mana aku tidak akan berakhir menikahinya seperti yang aku inginkan, aku akan tetap menyayanginya, at least for this present time. Aku tidak peduli dengan siapa ia akan berkencan nantinya. Aku tidak peduli dengan siapa ia akan jatuh cinta untuk waktu dekat. Yang aku peduli hanyalah bagaimana aku ingin menjadi yang terakhir untuk dirinya, menjadi sosok yang akan mengakhiri perjalanan cintanya, menjadi sosok terakhir yang akan ia sayangi untuk selamanya.

I know forever is a long time.

Conception of True Love and Moving On.

Since I was just a little girl, I've always wanted that one figure of someone who would want to spend the rest of his life with me. I know this sounds so cliche. But I've grown in to a very dreamy girl who always longs for a perfect conception of true love that some people don't think exist in this kind of rough world. But the truth is, true love always exists. I mean, don't you think it's funny that million miles away from here, there is someone living on this earth, breathing the same air, walking on the same pavement with you, also longing for your presence there beside him? Don't you think it's funny how God has already planned out about how you two will meet and how you two will eventually fall for each other?

For me myself, I believe true love exists.

The thing is, I just haven't found him yet. And though I believe I will meet him one day, I keep searching for him. Maybe he's a friend of mine from the same class. Maybe he's someone I bump into when I walk past the road. Maybe he's someone who attends the same concert with me. Everyone, every single damn person you see on the road, they could be your true love. The thing is, you're just too blind to look a little closer to them.

They are always there, with or without you realize.

They are the sense in your nonsense, the expectation in your reality, the amen in your prayers, the wish in your dreams, the tears in your cries, the beats in your heart, the melody in your music, the fantasy in your head, the sun in your morning, the moon in your night, the light in every dark path that guides you, the prince charming for your Cinderella, the happy in your ending......

I know this sounds so cliche, I know. I just think I need to remind you that somewhere out there, there is someone longing for your presence beside them. Somewhere out there, they are thinking about what you are doing right at this moment. Somewhere out there, they pray for you that you will be safe and sound here. You may not know who they are, but God will lead them to you eventually. You just have to wait for the right time to come around. And believe me, they are real. They exist somewhere on this earth.

On bad days, I will stop what I'm working on and stuff myself with anything I can think about. And usually, the conception of true love will come on my mind. For me, true love is not just someone you will marry one day. Is not. It's simply someone who will accept you for who you are, who will listen to every story of yours, who will stop you from self harm, who will love you still even if scars covering your precious skin, who will cuddle you up after a long rough day at work, who will treat you like a Disney princess, who will be your prince charming even if he's not that charming, who will be the father for your children and the grandfather for your grandchildren. Yes, true love does not share the big things, but they do share the little things.