Hourglass.

At five, I met you on the kindergarten that day. Mrs. Hills told me to sit beside you so I did as I was told. I remember you smiled with that cheeky smile of yours. You told me your name was Evan. And you asked me about my name so I told you it was Avery. But to my surprise—instead of saying 'nice to meet you' or something—I remember you saying,

"I know we're gonna be the best of friends."

And really, that was the last thing I'd expect to hear on my first day of kindergarten.

••••

At six, I told you my secret... that I really want to find a love like my parents' once I grow up one day. You told me you could be that guy. So that wet evening on the mid March, we got married on your backyard.

And you know what?

That was my happiest day.

••••

At seven, I was scared to death of the first day of elementary. I cried in the morning and I didn't even want to get out of my room. Even my mom needed you to get me out of it immediately. I told you I was scared. And you shushed me and told me it was gonna be fine. Truth to be told, I wasn't scared of the school. I was just scared of losing you. Because I heard school changes people.

And I was scared, like really really scared.

••••

At eight, you were still my best friend. We hung out a lot after school. Either it's in my house or yours, our parents always let us to stay late just because our houses are just across from each other's. But Evan, I know it sounds crazy, but I was thinking the later of the night, that I might like you... in a way a friend should never feel towards one another.

••••

At nine, I got myself braces. Oh I do remember how it was such a hell on first day of wearing braces. Kids on school started to mock me about how ugly I was in that braces. But you—with such a bravery—told people who mocked me to back off, to shut the hell up and to not mocking other people's appearance.

Little did I know, I started to fall deeper.

••••

At ten, I got my first heartbroken.

How?

It was the time when you told me you kind of had a feeling for Felicity, our friend on that math class. I never knew this would hurt this much though. I thought we're gonna stay friends forever, that we're never going to leave each other's side. But I knew I was wrong. And it hurt me so bad I barely eat the entire week.

••••

At eleven, you told me that you were excited for the first day of middle school. You looked so damn happy and bouncy the entire night. You told me how you can't wait for tomorrow to come and how you can't wait to meet new faces and new friends and new teachers and new side of the school. But I me myself will never be ready though, because I was still scared. Scared of the fact that you might leave me once middle school started.

••••

At twelve, you got your first kiss. You kissed Felicity after school in the park. Your eyes were beautiful you know when they're in love. It reflected happiness and of course I was happy for you. But still, it hurt me. I can't imagine the idea of losing you though. You were my best friend, my first love, and my entire life. And I don't know what I would be without you.

••••

At thirteen, you got your first heartbroken. You and Felicity broke up and you drove your bike to my house just to cry really hard like a big baby. I reassured you that it was for the best though, that it was just the start of everything, that you will find more love in life and date more girls and break more hearts and you will be fine. Though I hoped you'd look at me in the eyes and realise that I'm the one.

••••

At fourteen, things started to get worse. High  school wasn't really my idea of happiness. They said school changes people. And they were right. Once high school started, we slowly drifted apart and I don't know why. Maybe it was because my appearance that didn't suit your new standard. I mean, who wants to be friends with a girl in boring green eyes and stupid ponytail? Not you, definitely.

••••

At fifteen, it was no longer a surprise for anyone to find out the girl you're dating. It was Sylvia, the captain of Cheerios team. Don't you think it's cliché how you guys are such a perfect match? You as the captain of the football team and her as the captain of Cheerios team? I found it annoying though to see the sight of my crush-since-God-knows-how-long making out with his girlfriend in the school corridor.

How I wish it was me.

••••

At sixteen, I was at my worst. I didn't know how to explain but I'd rather cut than cry. Three years of not being friends with my own best friend was never easy. I had to walk alone everyday for the hell of three years. We never talked anymore and it indeed hurt me a lot. I started to cut at the age of fifteen though, maybe it was because that day when you passed me by the school hall but you did not even take a quick glance at me for one second, I don't know I forgot. But yeah, you got me into this game. And I'm sorry.

••••

At seventeen, I realised it was our last year of high school. Once we graduate, I cannot guarantee we'd see each other anymore. So before the school really ended and I never got the chance to talk to you before leaving for college, I decided to write you one last letter about how I felt. I told you that I was a cutter ever since you left. I told you that you were still my best friend for me no matter how distant we got to be. But most importantly, I told you that I love you.

And the night later, you showed up on my doorstep with bloodshot eyes and kissed me. And that was my first kiss you stole.

••••

At eighteen, I left New Jersey and went to NYU. After the kiss at the age of seventeen, we got a little bit closer like we used to except for the fact that you just wanted us to be a secret, that you wanted me to be yours just after school time ended. You were selfish, I know. So that's why I left our hometown without telling you anything. Not even my parents dared to tell you where I went to for College. Perhaps I needed to let you go. And perhaps this time was for real.

••••

At nineteen, I met this guy named Andrew. And he kind of reminded me of you. He was also sweet like you. And he always helped me with my papers. Wasn't it a very nice of him? Oh how I wish you were here. But perhaps you have settled down with your high school sweetheart Sylvia, I don't know. I missed you though.

••••

At twenty, Andrew kissed me. It was sweet, but it wasn't like yours. Yours tasted like chocolate and strawberry yet his tasted like mint. I liked yours better. But I can't help it though, I kissed him back. Maybe I needed to get you off of my mind already, that's why I said yes when he asked me out.

••••

At twenty one, you showed up on my doorstep. I don't know how you found out my apartment address, perhaps you forced my sister to tell you, I don't know. But you kissed me once you found me. You told me you've been searching for me all along and that you needed me to go back in your life.

But it was too late.

••••

At twenty two, I heard your mom died in a car accident. And I heard you dropped out of your law school. Why did you drop out? Was it because your mother's death? Or was it because something else? You were a mess, you know. Your eyes were dead when you saw her coffin. I was at the funeral of course, but you didn't realise my presence there, did you?

I hoped you're alright, Evan.

••••

At twenty three, my mom told me to went back home. And when I arrived, I heard you overdosed and you were in coma. Didn't you know how scared I was? I cried really hard, Evan. How can you do such a thing to your precious life? You didn't need to do that, babe. You were worth more than that.

Please, wake up.

••••

At twenty four, I decided to go back to New Jersey. I also broke up with Andrew. I wanted to go back to my hometown and nothing can stop me, not even him. I wanted to live closer by my best friend. I knew you needed help. That's why I willed to move back to New Jersey just to help you recover.

••••

At twenty five, I moved in to your apartment. It was partly because of me insisting to move in, just so then I could watch you all the time. But I knew a part of you wanted it too. We have been apart for way too long. Maybe it was the time to built once again what we used to have. I still loved you though.

••••

At twenty six, you met a girl named Caroline in your office. And six month later, you proposed her. I didn't quite understand why you rushed such a thing like that. But after spending a year living with you and realising that my love for you were still there, it was quite disappointing, and of course it hurt me in a way no one can imagine.

I loved you first, baby.

••••

At twenty seven, you insisted to move out so I can live here in your apartment. You said you didn't want me to feel bad just because we lived in same place as "friends" and now one of us need some more private space for the partner. But of course I felt bad, it felt like I steal something from you, and for the scale it was quite big which is an apartment. You were so happy that time. When you told me you wanted me to keep this apartment, I know I can't let you down so that's why I said yes. You were happy, so so happy that I can't even look you in the eyes.

But it still hurt me, you know.

••••

At twenty eight, Andrew called me. And he said he was going to marry someone and he invited me to the wedding. Was I happy? Of course. The following two years were the years two men I have ever loved finally settle down, and how can I not be happy for the two of them? I promised him to come. And I did. I hugged him really tight in the wedding while I cried a little and whispered to him how much he meant to me back then and I did really hope he was happy with whoever he chose this time. He knew we never worked out because of my love for you. So he asked me about you.

And with that fake smile, I told that you have settled down with your wife.

••••

At twenty nine, my mother started to ask me when will I get married. So I told her I wasn't just ready. Maybe it was right that I wasn't ready, or for worse that I will never be ready. Maybe it was because you were still the one I love the most. But don't get me wrong, you were so loveable you know. I can't even say no when you asked me to be the godmother of Delilah, your first child with Carol.

Oh how I wish I was the mother of your daughter.

••••

At thirty, you ran away from your house. You fought hard with Caroline and that you needed space for a moment. I didn't know what was it about, but you stayed a few nights in this apartment that used to belong to you. I heard you cried though every night, and I can't help but to also cry in silence. It hurt me to hear your sobs. And it even hurt me to know the reason of your cry wasn't me. That night, when I can't stand your cry, I came by you and hugged you.

And to my surprise, you kissed me, which was a big mistake.

••••

At thirty one, mom started to set me on several blind dates. She said I was a thirty one well established single woman and it wasn't healthy if I stay single for any longer. So I did as I was told. I met this guy named Liam. He was sweet and he took me to this fancy restaurant like we were two teenagers doing our first date. And the late I found out he went to NYU, too. I also found out he was the son of my mom's acquaintance. He was sweet, very sweet. Really. But he still can't replace you in my heart, darling.

••••

At thirty two, Carol gave a birth to your second child which you named after me. Avery. You told your wife you wanted your second child to be just like me, your best friend since five year old. It was a bit odd though to know someone with the same name as mine, especially when that person is your second child, which you also asked me to be the godmother of. I was happy, I really was. How can I not be?

••••

At thirty three, Liam proposed me. Was I happy? Of course. But I didn't know why I didn't say yes. I told him he needed a better woman than me. Because I'm just a thirty three year old woman who can't make him happy. I know I need to get married really soon but I just can't help but wonder about you. You were my wildest dream, you know that? So don't insist me to say yes to a man I never truly loved.

••••

At thirty four, I came to Delilah's fifth birthday party. You and Caroline were so happy knowing your baby turned five. I was happy, of course. As someone who knew you for what it felt like a lifetime, I knew your family was your happiness source. And I got even happier when Delilah came to me just to hug me and tell me that she loves me and that it felt like as if I was her mother too. 

And you know what babe? I really wished I was the one you married with that time.

••••

At twenty five, my father died because of the cancer he's got. You know I have always hated death since ever your mother died, that's why I cried the hardest in the funeral. You hugged me really tight and I saw that Carol was fine with you hugging me, so I hugged you back and cried in your arms. I missed being in your arms, you know. So please, don't let me go this time. I just lost the #1 man in my life and I didn't want my #2 man let me go.

Call me selfish, but I was a thirty five woman with no partner of life.

••••

At thirty six, Delilah entered elementary school. On her first day of school, she cried really hard just because she was scared of losing her best friend from kindergarten, Michael. Oh darling, didn't you think she's such a copy of me? I did exactly the same thing back then I was seven. So I shushed her and told her it was gonna be fine, that Michael would never leave her side, nor would you, Carol, and I leave her side.

••••

At thirty seven, Carol was diagnosed cancer positive. Once again, cancer. Didn't you think cancer was such an intruder of a happy life? You called me sobbing when you told me that. And really, I was worried too. Carol was like a sister to me, she was a very nice woman who took care of the love of my life for the past ten years. And I can't stand to see you sad again for the second time, Dear.

••••

At thirty eight, Avery's sixth birthday party was celebrated in such a modest way, we celebrated her birthday in a room where Carol has been staying for a month. She got really sick and she can't get out of her bed so the doctor told it would be better if she stayed in the hospital. I saw your eyes getting dull as you watched the happiness source of your life being sucked out slowly by the life itself. It pained me to see Delilah and Avery not knowing what was happening with their mother. But it pained me more to see you being upset again.

Babe, please be strong.

••••

At thirty nine, Carol decided that she had enough of life. And I remember one night when Carol told me to take care of you and the kids once she's gone. I can't help but cry, Darling. But Carol hushed me and told me not to cry over her because she knew just how much I loved you. Did she know? Really? After all these years I kept this feeling bottled up by myself? I thought I hid it quite well, but I guess it's woman's feeling to know that someone has feelings towards the love of their life. But she told me she understood and that I could have you by myself once she's gone. But I didn't want it, Dear. You were the happiest when you were with her.

But Carol decided to just stop breathing at that time.

••••

At forty, you were depressed. I can't blame you about this though, I understood. But you can't be like this you know. Delilah and Avery didn't know yet about life. They were too little for you to abandon. You still had me, remember? I know, I know my presence here somewhat would never be enough. But please, stop taking those antidepressant because I was also depressed knowing that you'd never be your old self. I missed you, you know.

••••

At forty one, Avery asked me why you keep crying at night. And I told her you were sad because Caroline had to leave the three of you. But then Avery told me that she was sick of hearing you crying and she wished I was here living with you guys jut so then I could at least watch over you. Avery was only nine and she had the words flow over from her little lips, she was such a big hearted girl, you know.

••••

At forty two, I kept watching over you everyday. Just after work, I tried my best just to come by and check over the three of you. You were still taking your antidepressant every single day though, and indeed it hurt me deep down. But you loved Caroline to the skin of your lungs you can never get over her. But that was also the reason why the thirteen year old Delilah begged me to move in just so I can watch over you. And I did. I moved in a month later and the girls were happy because of it. And I hoped so were you. Because your happiness was what matters the most, babe.

••••

At forty three, I decided to take you to our old high school. You were so confused and asked me why I took you here. It was almost as if I can feel my heart beating two times faster, though, remembering the days when you were not there for me and remembering the times when I was at my worst. I told you back then in high school I was also depressed that I was suicidal and I didn't even know what to do. I told you that you were never there for me during those days and yet I still forgave you. But here I was standing by your side while you were having your worst time of your life. I knew you were sad but you can't be like this, babe. And don't get me wrong when those three little words came up from my mouth because that was true.

And all you could do was stare at me, looking at me as if I was insane. So I told you, "I'd never lie, Evan. I love you, yes indeed. But you love her and that's okay. I have loved you for all my life and that's okay even if you don't return my feelings. Throughout the whole time we've known each other, I'd never really asked you to love me back, had I? So that's okay, I know you are sad but you don't need to be depressed. I'm here for you, as best friend if that was for best. But I promise you I'd never leave you and the girls. That's because I love you."

••••

At forty four, Delilah got her first period and you were panicking. I told you to calm down though. It was nothing big really, it was just normal. I taught her how to use pads and I told you that she was perfectly fine. Throughout these years of marrying Carol, you were a great father for them. You don't have to worry about anything because I promise you... I promise you that I'd still love you.

••••

At forty five, you proposed me. Nothing big, really. Just same old dinner with the girls when you finally pulled out a ring and said,

"Avery, I know I'm stupid to ask you this after such a long time fooling myself around. And I know this makes me even stupid that I ask you this in front of girls. But will you forgive my stupidness and marry me?"

And I said yes.

••••

At forty six, I finally got married. I thought I'd never really be the part of you that you love because somehow I understood if I'd just still be the "best friend" for my whole life. I never regretted meeting you in the kindergarten though. I never regretted marrying you at six and I never regretted waiting for you to be ready for forty damn years. I loved you, boo.

••••

At forty seven, I decided we don't need to get ourselves a baby. I mean, Delilah and Avery were already my daughters for me. They were just like us. And I didn't think we need one more. So I told you it's okay. I didn't need anything because I knew for the first time in forever, I finally had you on my arms.

••••

At forty eight, Avery got back home with a guy named Daniel and when you asked her who he is, I constantly told you to calm down. He was nice though, he wasn't the kind of trouble kid at all so I thought it was just a part of natural puberty for Avery. I told you not to get very protective of Avery, she's living her life you know. Yet also we're getting old, we need to let them be.

••••

At forty nine, we all had dinner like usual. Talking, laughing, and having fun. But then I felt sick all of sudden so I excused for a moment. To my surprise, I coughed blood. I didn't know what happen though, thought it was just a normal illness that would be alright by days. But the later I found out I was cancer positive. And I'm sorry dear, cancer intruded us for once more. And your fear became real for one more time.

••••

At fifty, we attended Delilah's wedding with her fiancé. She was young, you know. Twenty and full of life. I didn't realise time passed just in a blink of an eye. A half century of living, I felt so thankful. In Delilah's wedding, I prayed that all of us would always be together. And I prayed that this cancer would vanish to nowhere. But it was no use. I collapsed.

••••

At fifty one, I decided that I didn't want to go to the hospital and I just wanted to be hospitalise in our small little house. I was getting older and older, aren't I? And I indeed got weaker and weaker each day. I wasn't scared of the death anymore though. Simply because I let go the fact that I'd die sooner or later. You never left my side though and I was happy for that. I never wanted you to leave me again, Evan. Because I loved you.

••••

At fifty two, I am looking at the eyes of the three people I love the most and I decided that it is the time for me to finally let go.

"Evan, I want you to stay strong for the girls, okay? Because I am really tired right now and I really want to reunite with Caroline. Is it okay that I sleep?"

I hear you sobbing, but you nod and whisper something I cannot hear. But I'm tired so I close my eyes. And there I was, in a beach where Caroline has been waiting for me.

Evan, I love you. I really do.

••••

idektatablake ® January 2015.

For the mother of whom I love, we all love you. Thank you for the numbered days when I still had time to get to know you. You are truly cancer survivor.🌸🌸