Broken Heart.

Have you ever loved someone too much it actually hurts?

Just admit it, at least for once in your life, there must be someone you love the most in this life you still can’t get over with. I know that it always hurts knowing the person you love doesn’t love you back. But if you look at the positive side, maybe it’s because they don’t deserve you, because you simply deserve someone that is so much better than them. I’ve been on that situation before. And I let alone the fact that they don’t love me back as the fact that I may actually deserve someone better. And yes, I am in that situation right at the moment.

And yes, the person I’m currently in love with doesn’t love me back.

And it indeed hurts. A lot.

Maybe you always wonder, because when we were little, if we fell, they would ask you where it hurt and you would instantly point to your knees, your arms, or an elbow, then they would make it better for you. But then you might notice it too, that as we get older, if we fall, they no longer ask where it hurts. So you sit silently in your room, waiting for someone to ask you where it hurts, pointing to your head and your heart. Because that is where the pain hurts the most. But nobody makes it better. And that’s why the pain we feel inside is often getting worse because they no longer care.

Us teenagers have our ways to express the pain we feel inside. Some of us express it in the good way, but some others express it in the wrong way. For me, those who express their pain in the wrong way by cutting themselves are not attention whores. They are just some lonely teenagers who don’t have a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on to, a friend to simply tell everything to. So they use razor as their pen and their wrist as their paper, they write their story in it until they run out of wrist to write on to. So then they continue to cut their other wrist and thighs and stomach and then their body slowly turns to be their diary. I think this is not wrong after all, because they simply have their own reason why they did what they did.

And here is what I learned since then; every scar tells a story, a very hidden one.

So if you meet a person who cut themself, please do not ever judge them. If you found thousands scars on their body, kiss each scar they have and tell them that you care. Because believe me, it will slowly mend a broken heart they have inside. Knowing that someone cares means a lot to them, to us. Because when someone cares, we know that we are loved for a little while. And that feeling means a lot. So again I tell you, do not ever judge those who cut themselves. Because every scar they have on their body simply tells a hidden story. And if it happened to be thousands, that means they have thousands hidden stories that they haven’t shared to the world just yet. And it just the matters of time when they will tell those stories to those who care, and those who care will probably mend their broken hearts.

I may not be counted as one of those who cut themselves. But it’s indeed that I’m also still waiting for a figure who could mend my broken heart. I am broken. And that’s just so obvious. But people don’t seem to notice it. Or should I say, they don’t seem to care. I don’t even know what happened with me. But it’s just that feeling that always haunts me every night, that kind of feeling when I’m not necessarily sad, but I just feel really empty. So that I let alone crying myself to sleep. I can be a really happy, cheery, and bubbly girl one time and I can be a really really sad and melancholy girl one other time. And it sucks because it feels like I’m a bipolar though I know I’m not one. The only reason I change mood easily is because I feel as though I don’t deserve any kind of happiness in this life. It feels that all I deserve is being broken all the fucking time and… I guess I’m okay with that.

Every day, I wear a mask and put a fake smile on, so that people would never notice my sorrows, that they would think I’m actually normal just like those other kids. But sometimes, I want a person to notice this fake smile I always put on every day and tell me that they care. I want a person to hug me when I cry and reassure me that everything would be alright. I want a person to tell me that they would never leave and actually mean it. And it’d be even better if that person is someone I love the most. He doesn’t have to do the big things because all he has to do is to hug me really tight and tell me that he loves me, ‘is all. I’m not asking for anything too big. He just has to hug me really tight and I promise I’m going to be okay after that.

But he’ll never be there to hug me because he doesn’t care.

And that’s why it always hurts. A lot.

Today, the person I'm currently in love with is turning 16 and I wish him nothing but all the very best in his life. I'm not asking for a little love anymore because all I want now is for him to be happy. I don't care if the reason behind his smile and his happiness is not me. I don't care that I'm not the girl he actually loves. All I care about is for him to be happy and happy and always happy. I wish the girl who gets his heart will always take care of him because if it was me, I'd obviously take the good care of him for always. The thing, it's not me that he loves and I have no reason to stay when all he cares is not even me. All I want is for him to always be happy. I mean it. And will always do.

I know that I haven't planned to move on anytime soon. But I don't want to be stuck loving him forever, either. This heart of mine he has broke it recently is just another thing that I deserve in life, I think. Because as what I said, I don't deserve to be happy and that all I deserve is to be sad and the broken one. But still, this broken girl could wish for a person to mend her heart, couldn't she? Because this broken girl would wait forever for that figure to come around. She will always love you, silly boy. She will always do. Wish that you'd realize that one day so don't hesitate to come back around and break her into pieces because that what she deserves.

***
idektatablake ® January 2014.
For the birthday boy whose birthday is today, happy birthday. I wish you the very best in this life and I wish you nothing but your happiness forever. My prayers will always accompany your step, my dear.