Happy Birthday Niall.

Lately, I was distracted by the whole school stuff that made me kind of distant with my lovely laptop and all the things I love on the net. I got myself to bed around 9 pm and had to wake up around 4:30 am and that became a cycle for the whole week. I didn't know what I was doing. Nor did I know what I was thinking. All I could think about is how I need to get good grades to make my mom proud of me. But when it comes to Friday.... I think I can take a break for a moment. Right now, it's currently 9:45 pm and I think I need to post something in this thing [read: my blog] so yeah, today I decide to make a little rant about Niall James Horan whose birthday is today. Niall, wherever you are, whatever you're currently thinking about, I just hope that you are okay and that you are fine and that you are happy and living your life to the fullest because your happiness is all I could ask for. Niall, this one's for you...

If you ask me what song I always listen to lately, Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift would be a perfect answer because that's simply the song I listen to over and over again lately. I know that this is an old song by Ms. Swift but when few days ago I refreshed my Taylor Swift page, this song literally caught my eyes. Slowly, I put it on the playlist of my music player. And slowly, this song brought me back to the past. You know, this song tells a story about someone who doesn't want the one she loves to grow up and move on from things. This song tells about an anxiety and fear of growing up and getting old. And truth to be told, I've always been that kind of person. I don't want to grow up because growing up means more problems and more time to work and less happiness. And I never want that to happen.

Usually, people grow up and they will forget things. Like when you were little and you always danced in your pj's before getting to bed, and when you were on your first day of middle school that you were so nervous you didn't even want to eat, and when you were on your prom night dancing along with your date... truth to be told, as time goes by and as you grow up, you'll simply forget those things. Those will be just another sweet moments that simply will be forgotten. I know somehow people need to grow up. But why should forget those beautiful moments when you can always remember that? I am also that kind of girl who has fear to be forgotten. Yes, I never want to be forgotten because I know how hurt that feeling is. It's like you are just an old toy that as time passes by, will be replaced by the new one. And believe me, the feeling is sucks. Being forgotten is like your existence is just no longer there, that no one ever knew you exist, that you're just never here. Horrible, right? Yeah, it totally is.

Old saying said, "people come and go, but only true friends leave their footprints in your heart."

Truth to be told, I've always loved that one quotation. It just describes me so much that I know I have bunch of friends, and family, and just good people in my life, that when I'm on my up's, they will be there for me and say like, "yeah I will never leave you here alone, even when you're on your down's" but then leave me when I'm on my down's. I think it's so sad that those who promised to never leave are actually the ones that left without any clue. Those who claimed that they are my true friends are actually the ones who are so fake I don't even know how I could trust them at the first place. But I need to admit, out of all that, when I first knew One Direction, I just knew that they are not gonna leave me like those other people did to me. And I was right. One Direction has never left me for any moment.

Today, on biology class, I met a friend. She claimed herself as a fan or One Direction too. I don't know if I'm gonna be clicked with her or not, but I'll try to know her more. So while doing the project, we talked a little about One Direction and then the talk of Niall suddenly came up. And then I just realized one thing... that today is actually Niall's birthday. Isn't it funny how I said I'm always scared to be forgotten but then I actually forget about people who I shouldn't forget about? I think I'm pathetic after all. I don't want to be forgotten but instead, I forget. How would people not forget me if I forget them first? Call me stupid because I am.

But Niall... I'm sorry.

Few days ago, before I went to bed, I thought about you again. You are Niall Horan, that small town boy from that boy band named One Direction. And you must be so impossible to reach. And I must have fight hard for you because there are so many girls out there who love you as much as I do or maybe even harder than I do. I don't know. But whenever I think of you as someone's so impossible to get because you are a boyband member, I just want to puke myself up. I mean, I'm just so sick of my other self who thinks of you as someone so handsome from a boyband, not a boy, an actually human being, a person who was born and raised in a small town in Ireland called Mullingar. It feels like I just care about your reputation, not you as in person. But truth is, I do love you as a person. I love you so much it really breaks my heart whenever I see old pictures of you because all I could say to myself is only like, "yes he made it, it worked out after all and he fucking made it and I am so proud of him" and yes, yes I sometimes cry just to think of how far you've made it already. I mean, you were just a normal boy, Niall...

You were this one teenage who wished to be a singer one day because that's simply what you've  always wanted in life, because music is running through your veins, because it's always been in your blood, and it's your passion and that you don't care anything else other than music and singing. Then you tried a singing contest and passed and so far, that was amazing. Then you met new friends, these four lads you called your best friends since. And when the last you failed to get what you want and you just felt like to cry and explode and never exist, another thing came and happened to you like a magic. Someone contracted you in a band with those four lads you met on that contest. You became friends with them because you guys have one thing in common; that you guys want to be singers and show the world that you can make it. With a name of One Direction which means that you guys are one, you showed up the whole world that you can and you really did. From year to year, life changed you. From that one boy from Mullingar to that one boy from that band. You think I like it? Yes, how can I not? You fucking made it and that's the greatest achievement in this life of yours.

You remember this?

Yes, little did you know, you are now a singer, as what you've always wished you could be one day. You are now that person, singing on the stage, making albums, meeting fans, having fun with friends, living that life to the fullest. Maybe it's right indeed that you were just a dreamer once, that you wished to be a singer, Niall. But look at yourself now, you are that person and you seriously made it already. You don't have to change anything at all, Niall, because for me you are already perfect. You may thought that you live for music and singing. But look at yourself now for once again, you are living for those things. There is nothing you have to change, Niall, us fans love you for who you are, for what you've reached in your life, and our love is just as simple as that. All you need to do is to never stop living your life to the very fullest because that's simply what I want you to do.

Today, you are officially 20. You are not a teen boy anymore. You are now more way mature than you used to so you must act like one, too. Don't ever look at the bad side of things [read: haters and media] just look at the good side of things [read: us fans] because I promise you once you stop caring about all those bullshit things, you will be alright. We will keep you save and we will never let them break you. I have to admit that I hate the fact that you are getting old because changes are also what I fear the most in life. I'm scared that as time goes by and as you get old, things between us will change, that you will stop caring, that you will stop loving, that you will stop singing, that you will simply stop.

To be honest, I'm always scared of the future. I'm scared of the changes. I'm scared that people will leave me again. So I hope, even though you grow up and get old, you will never forget me nor will you ever leave and stop caring. Few weeks ago, when all these things [read: my fears] became what I mainly think of, I stopped myself right there and then from working my stuff, I got myself to my phone, and I started typing word by word about the future. So today, on your birthday, I really want people to take their time for a moment, read this one shot I've actually posted on my quotev account and let them sink in all the possibilities that could ever happen in the future. I can't see the future. I can't tell what will happen in the future. But this one story you will read, is the story I write with heart because I don't want to be forgotten. With this one story, I hope I will never be forgotten...

One day, One Direction would come to an end.

The roller coaster in their lives would stop rolling. And they would be forced to stop enjoying their journey in life. One day, the boys would wake up in the morning and realize that everything they've been doing means really nothing to them. One day, they would wake up with a numb feeling simply because they can't feel the rush in their blood when they start their morning anymore. And right there, they'd think that that is the end. They'd think they'd better stop right there and then. They'd think that they are old enough to finally realize and move on from their teenage lives. They'd stop thinking that fans are their everything. They'd stop thinking that what they've earned in life is a dream that came true that they need to be grateful about. They'd simply stop. And the fans would do the same.

One day, every single fan of One Direction would wake up one morning and feel numb. They'd wake up and feel like they've missed something. When they look up the whole room, they'd find posters covering their walls, and right there and then, they'd pity themselves. Right on the day they realize One Direction is no longer their whole life, they would stop going to their twitter and tumblr and quotev accounts that they dedicate to One Direction. They'd stop covering their bedroom walls with somebody's posters. They'd stop checking up their timeline and dashboard and recent activity. They'd stop watching the videos of the boys and they'd also stop staring into the concert ticket they've been in. They'd stop listening to the albums of One Direction and put all their One Direction stuff on a box instead. They'd simply stop, just like what their idol would do.

One Direction would be replaced by another talented boy band. And the boys would simply grow up and move on. They'd marry the right girls in their lives. They'd have children and grandchildren and live happily ever after without remembering again what they had back then. And so would the fans of One Direction. The fans would marry the right men in their lives, whether it's one of the boys themselves or another right man, they wouldn't know. They would have children and grandchildren and also live happily ever after without even remembering again that they had a life before this life, five boys who changed their lives upside down, five boys who saved them from self harms and suicide thoughts, five boys who taught them that it's okay to dream high. They'd simply forget, just forget each other's existence on each other's heart.

But one day, the fans would wake up again one morning and feel empty. They'd wake up and run to their attics and find a box that's full of dust already. They'd find the life they once lived in. They'd find the albums and posters and magazines and ticket concert and more other stuff they missed. They'd start remembering their passwords through their accounts that they once dedicate to One Direction. When they logged on through the accounts they once belonged, they'd see their timeline and dashboard and recent activity, their tweets and posts and stories. They'd laugh over the things they've done simply because they pity themselves for being such a stupid. They'd start remembering the summer when they get the boys' follows and the boys' replies and the boys' direct messages. They'd start remembering the posts on tumblr they reposted so many years ago and silly replies from other fans on one single picture of the boys. They'd start remembering the stories they made and the amount of followers they got for writing fan fictions about the boys. And for a moment, they'd live their old life again.

On the age of 86, one of One Direction fans would walk past the park in the autumn day. Even though she's not young anymore, she'd still walk with the least strength she got. On good days, she'd have a company that it's either her daughter or her grandchildren. But that day is a lonely day for her. As she walks past the park, she can feel the cold crept slowly through her old body. So instead, she'd have a little rest on the park bench. On gloomy days like this, she'd start thinking about obviously anything. But that day, her husband and One Direction are all she could think about. It's been ten years since her husband gone and that morning, she had woken up with the thoughts of something she hadn't thought for a while; One Direction. How are they? Are they fine? Where are they at this moment? Have they ever missed the fans? Those are the questions that have been flying on her mind. If only she could meet one of them today just to know again how they are...

But slowly, her daydreaming time is stopped by a five year old little boy that shakes her knee softly. As she looks down the little boy, she could feel a connection when staring into the deep blue eyes this little boy has. And when she smiles, the little boy would say, "You look sad today. What happened?"

"Harry, how many times do I have to tell you not to crowd people with your questions?" says a very familiar voice for her. When she looks up, she'd find an old man with wrinkles on his face and blonde hair that some has turned into white and also... A pair of deep blue eyes she thinks she knows.

"But grandpa, this old woman looks sad. I just wonder what's on her mind so maybe I could help to cheer up her actual day for a little bit." the little boy would reply that to his grandpa.

And the grandpa would come by slowly, looking just as old as her but looks a little older few years. She doesn't know why but when she looks in to the blue eyes this old man's got, she literally could feel some strange connection between her heart and her brain. Whether it's someone she knew from the back of her life or not, she wouldn't know. "But that is inappropriate, Harry." the old man would argue his grandson, looking as if he doesn't want to lose up his moment just yet.

"But—"

"Go apologize or you wouldn't get an ice cream."

His grandson looks down to the ground, turning to her with that ugly face you use when you are so sad you don't even know what to do. "I'm sorry for being impolite." the little boy would say with such a guilty tone.

And she, at the other hand, who simply understands the feeling of the little boy nods softly. "It's alright. You don't have to apology."

"Well," that old man says, "I'm very sorry for my grandson's behavior, ma'am."

She looks up the old man and finds it amusing when their eyes locked onto each other's. "It's alright, really. I'm okay." she says truthfully.

And by that, a soft smile grows slowly on the man's face. "I'm Niall anyway, Niall Horan." he says gently, putting up his hand for her to shake.

One day, back then when she was a teenager, she wished she could meet her idol. One day, back then when she still believed in all the fairy tale stuff, she wished her idol would be her prince charming instead. One day, back then when things still seemed easier to handle, she wished she could settle down with her one and only aka her idol. But one day, she woke up one morning, realizing that fairy tale is no longer something she should believe in, that fate is never on her side, that her ugly self would never meet up her idol for real and live happily ever after with his figure. But that day, on a wet autumn day in the mid September, she'd start to believe again in things she once believed in.

Niall James Horan.

A name she was once very fond of. A name she once wished could end up with. A name she was once head over heels in love with. A name that once became her entire life. And she really wonders if this old man aka Niall knows that she used to be a big fan of his. She wonders if he knows many years ago they've met on a concert. She really wonders about things, but she keeps herself quite.

They said, one day One Direction would come to an end.

They would stop covering the magazines. They would stop touring the world. They would stop refreshing their pages on twitters. They would stop, just end of it. And the fans would also do the same. They would stop loving the boys. They would stop covering their walls with the boys' pictures. They would stop listening to the boys' songs. They simply would stop, end of it, just like One Direction themselves.

But one day, a fan would meet up an idol again. They would stare into each other's eyes for a long time, wondering if the love for each other is still there in their hearts. The fan would wonder if the idol has ever missed the ancient times when he was still loved by her. And the idol would wonder if the fan is still in love with him. In the fan's heart, she'd say that yes she's still in love with the idol. And in the idol's heart, he'd say that yes he missed the ancient times when he's still loved by her so much. And with that, they'd smile to each other, feeling finally complete again because for many years they've been feeling so empty. The fan would still love the idol even for many more years. And for the idol himself, that is just what matters for him.

In the end of the story, the fan would not care about anything. One Direction would come to an end one day, indeed. And the fan would forget One Direction one day, indeed. But in the deepest heart, they would still love each other so much. They would never forget the journey they’ve been through together as an idol and a fan. They would never forget how they actually grew up together, the band and the fandom and everything. They would never forget each other’s existence on each other’s heart. They would never do, because that’s what matters in life; the love that never fades away.

Today, you are officially twenty, Niall. Wherever you are, I hope you're fine. Whatever you're doing, I hope you're doing fine. Whenever it is, I hope God will bless every step you take. Happy birthday, Niall. You may not know me but I know you and I'm glad that I do. With this one last word, I hope you feel the same way as I do. I love you...

***

idektatablake ® September 2013.

For Niall Horan whom I call an idol, this is a post I dedicate to you, a tribute for you. I wish someday you'd find my blog and read this post about you. And I wish you'd smile because you know you're loved.