First Post: What If.

Sometimes, I wish I could wake up in the morning, finding you on the right side of my bed and smiling over you angelic face like I used to. Sometimes, I wish I could make a breakfast for you, waiting you taking a bath then having breakfast together like we used to. Sometimes, I wish I could play, pause, and rewind in the same time, wishing you’d be here like you used to. Sometimes, I simply wish that you’d come back to me even though I clearly know you won’t.

You know, I thought I’d be okay when you left me that day. I mean, we’ve walked in a different way and I know for sure that’s what makes us so different. Last night, I did my routine activities like usual, getting back home from work, driving in silence, letting myself drown in my mind, and stopping my car right in front of that house with blue roof.

We bought this house together. You once called it as “our house” but it wasn’t for a long time. You did pay for the first payment to the real estate but I paid for the second payment even though you told me not to. We lived this house together, so we should’ve paid this house together. Do you remember—in the mid May—we finally finished the last payment and we moved along to this house together? I should say, I miss the words of “together” and “us”.

Do you remember being so busy the whole week just to make up the house like a home? I once told that it wasn’t big enough for us two but you told that we can make the place like the bigger space if we put things right. You know, I didn’t realize the “place” you meant was the heart.

Sometimes I found you there, sitting on the back terrace and crouching with a light cigarette resting between your fingers, blackened by ash. You were staring into space, as if wishing you would vanish with it. But dear, space was always present, just like the lingering breath of air, just like the unspoken words between us. We could never disappear, just like entities did not just disappear into nothing.

Don’t you wish that sometimes you could rewind time, and then hit the pause button? I wish I can. I wish that I can rewind my years and go back to the ancient time, when we, in our naivette, still belonged to each other. You know, it’s funny how I still remember those late night talks, how you placing your lips on mine when our late night talk turn into a huge fight that kills me inside. I remember how you wrapping your fingers on mine, making a wish when we saw a falling star.

You know, those are just some of the ancient happy times we’ve got. I was happy, and so were you. If only we could go back and rewind and then hit the pause button.

I miss you.

I miss walking in the beach with you, hand in hand. I miss sharing the cold coffee with you, telling secrets and promising to each other that we won’t tell. I miss buying you random things, wishing that I could see your flash smile after opening the gift. I miss breathing the same air with you, taking a deep breath just to feel your manly scent.

Sometimes, I regret those hard time we passed. I regret every single fight we had. I regret calling you names I shouldn’t. I regret shouting, screaming, and cursing. Sometimes, I keep on thinking if there’s any possibility that you’d be back to me. What if? What if I didn’t curse you with bad words that day? What if I stopped you going away? What if I apologized first? What if? I don’t know. At the end, nothing can get you back to me.

But you never spoke about what it was that haunted you, dear. Sometimes I think about it again, was it just me, incapable of being someone you could love and love you back? Or was it something else entirely, something I never knew, but felt like living your mind forever. Or was it such a big part of you, that I could not feel and realize its existence.

Was I not enough, or was I not because it was not here?

Sometimes, I think of tomorrow. What if I’ll see you again on the right side of my bed? What if I’ll see you again on the dinning room, sipping your coffee? What if I’ll see you again, getting ready before work? At the end, I know you won’t come back.

At the end, nothing can change the fact that you’re gone forever. My speech on the funeral won’t get you back, dear. My tears won’t make you running closer to me telling me that I’m the one you miss the most. My soul cannot make yours come back. I wasn’t sure if I can make it. But last night, I turned my car to the right in T-junction, making my way to the graveyard. I looked through your tombstone, trying my best not to cry but cried at the end. I wasn’t sure, really. But I know, you’re somewhere out there keeping me safe.

From now on, no more what if’s. I’ll face life with nothing but smile. Someday, I’ll marry someone and smile at you because somehow I know you’re somewhere out there, keeping me safe.

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idektatablake ® August 2013.
For the world, thank you for accepting me as who I am. This is a first post on my new blog so I hope people will enjoy a little about my life. Xx